My friend made this image based off of a brilliant Monkey Island fan fic I once started writing called “Naked Guybrush.”
Here are some excerpts. Actually, no. Here’s everything I wrote. I wrote quite a lot.
Guybrush came down from the mountain. He was naked. You could see his penis.
He talked to the lookout man and said, “I want to be a mighty pirate!”
The guy was like: “You look more like a naked flooring inspector.”
Guybrush talked to the pirate leaders. He was naked. They could see his penis. “I want to be a mighty pirate!” he said.
The bad guy tied the idol to Guybrush, not to his penis though, luckily. He threw him in the water. Guybrush was underwater. He was naked. His penis was wet.
Guybrush walked toward the mansion. Now you could see his butt. Look there!
"I am going to put you up against the Machine. The Machine is my penis." Guybrush was not expecting this.
"You put your penis in the cannon," said the one Fettuccini brother. "No, you put your penis in the cannon," said the other Fettuccini brother.
"I am worried about my penis being in danger in the cannon," said Guybrush.
"It is not dangerous for your penis at all," they said.
Guybrush was launched out of the cannon. As he hit the wall and slid down it, you could see his penis.
Guybrush took the shirt from the Swordmaster. He thought he would try it on. He tried the shirt on, but it was a little too big for him. You couldn’t see his penis. He took the shirt off.
Guybrush went flying from the cannon and flew WHAM! head first into a palm tree, falling to the ground naked, unconscious.
And Guybrush descended downward into the great monkey head and found there such an assortment of grotesque oddities as could hardly be processed by one human mind. Oozing eyeballs and mouths twisted into shapes expressing untold anguish were woven all into the walls. A foul, thick heat repeatedly assaulted our hero’s face with an unrelenting fervor.
And the stench! It reeked of rotting corpses, blood and bile; a putrescence heretofore never encountered by any mortal man. It assaulted his senses, made his eyes tear, his nose cry out in protest, and sent his gag reflex into overdrive.
And, lo, you could see his penis.
Here is my Ice Bucket Challenge video! This was a lot of fun lol
Fugazi - I’m So Tired
yoda is dath vsder
This is one of my fav things to ever have come out of Casa de Lowtax.
WELL, that’s a vast topic, I guess, isn’t it? Their films have changed styles quite a bit over the jillion years Disney’s been around, evolving their focus from racism to selling bad pop music HAHAHA.
But seriously folks, I watched lots of the big Disney movies growing up (although looking at a list of them I guess I watched far fewer than I assumed). I’m amazed at how fucking old Dumbo and Bambi are (though maybe I shouldn’t be because Dumbo has those crows). It kind of makes sense I found them pretty boring. Pacing was a very different thing back in the 1940s. Those movies were also really trippy, possibly without trying to be. Dumbo is dark and weird as fuck. I just have that image of his mom’s trunk reaching through the cage bars with tears running down it. I think I liked moments of Dumbo but ultimately was a bit weirded out by it and found it maybe too tragic (though it was kind of nice it was that sad too). Bambi I just didn’t care about.
I liked Sleeping Beauty fine with the dragon and shit at the end. I like Mary goddam Poppins if we’re counting live action (I still find Dick Van Dyke’s physical comedy extremely impressive; just watched an episode of the The Dick Van Dyke Show and I actually think it sort of kind of holds up somehow).
I remember LOVING Robin Hood. It was very pretty and had lovely music. I was always into that kind of gentle, sad take on medieval stuff. I think the Sierra games Conquests of Camelot and Conquests of the Longbow (also Robin Hood) both captured that sense pretty well and also had some very beautiful music.
The live-action Popeye is apparently a Disney film. It is the weirdest piece of shit you will ever see because Robert Altman directed it for some ungodly reason. I remember thinking something was just OFF about it when I watched it as a kid, but couldn’t put my finger on it. Well, in retrospect LOADS of stuff is off about it, but one of the main things that I think I was picking up on is it had that Altman staple of people talking over one another. Very confusing and jarring for child.
I saw Tron when I was an adult. I found it average.
I love a lot of the Disney cartoons that were coming out when I was growing up. The Great Mouse Detective is one of my favorites. I like how it was very charming and got super fucked up and violent at the end. In general I enjoyed Disney movies being unafraid to show kids some horror, which seems to have been dialed back quite a bit (maybe in kids’ media in general).
I thought The Black Cauldron was pretty cool though I think I saw it much later (after I had read the books which I liked a lot).
I liked The Little Mermaid and its damn songs pretty fine though I think in retrospect the story is probably shit.
I loved Ducktales and its movie. It might suck now for all I know, but that series was a pretty big deal to me so the movie was great to me too.
Beauty and the Beast was FINE. It’s not my fave. It did get all violent at the end which was kind of cool. It also might’ve been the first one that started putting computer animation in. You can find shots from that film that are truly fucking ugly. It’s just these completely barren, static backgrounds with a singing teapot plopped in front.
I loved Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. I watched it loads. The sequels were pretty shit. I am a bit amazed there exists in history a Hollywood production called Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves.
Aladdin was a massive, massive deal for me. I loved it a lot. It made me super-into Robin Williams when I was little. I thought he was the coolest, funniest guy and Aladdin in general was a big revelation. It seemed like the first time they thought “Hey, we can put funny, sitcommy, adult humor in these movies.” Like Iago almost saying “How the HELL?” and Genie having a Goofy hat—this winking, fourth wall breaking stuff and just the sense of humor in general was very cool to me. I watched all the Aladdin sequels too. They weren’t very good. Strangely, I don’t recall watching a lot of the show.
The Nightmare Before Christmas can suck my left one.
The Lion King struck me as a very deliberate continuation of what had started with Aladdin—the same sense of humor and all that. It was basically good and I know everyone loves it so damn much but it was never my favorite. PLUS, due to my FAILURE of a school system, every time they had nothing to teach us and couldn’t think of what to do with us, they made us watch The Lion King. So I saw a lot of that movie a billion times over until any joy I might’ve gotten from it was bled from me.
I LOVE A GOOFY MOVIE SO MUCHHHHH. There was a period in my life where I would watch it EVERY DAY when I came home from school. I watched it so many times I started finding animation and continuity errors and shit. I guess I thought it was just the damn coolest and maybe that it was kind of awesome the way they did a modern story with Max as a teenager. I was in my early teens so this probably spoke to me some. I had the lame-ass soundtrack. I remember that hot hit by Powerline. Yes, I do.
I still like “Paint with all the colors of the wind” from Pocahontas. I think “You can hold the earth and still all you’ll hold is earth until…” is a genuinely clever fuckin’ lyric. I remember little else of the film.
HOW ON EARTH did I never see Operation Dumbo Drop? Shameful!
Toy Story is amazin’ brilliant wonderful and I love it a lot. I still think the first one is the best of the series by far. It’s just a lovely film. I hate Randy Newman though, I hope he dies. It’s sort of shocking his music works well in the film considering how much I want him dead otherwise.
James and the Giant Peach can suck my right one.
I think that was around when I stopped caring about Disney cartoons some. I saw The Hunchback of Notre Dame but I have no strong feelings about it and a friend of mine for some reason had a hard-on for Hercules so we went to see it, but I had no interest and found it to be kind of a cheaper, sloppier version of what Aladdin had started.
Of course I continued to like much of the Pixar junk, but nothing was ever quite as big a deal to me as Toy Story. The opening to Up sure is a damn tearjerker though, huh?
Haven’t even seen Frozen or Tangled or Brave. None of them. I saw Wreck-It Ralph. I thought it was really solid and overall good and managed to have a good villain twist and some pretty nightmarish imagery at the end, so that felt like good, classic Disney shinola.
So how do I feel about Disney? I dunno. It’s a mixed bag. I know I never really cared for the characters from their shorts. Mickey sucks. Goofy’s okay. Donald is the best. Not a big fan of Disney’s core moneymaking strategy these days of having girls star in shitty music-based Disney Channel shows and then gradually transforming them into hot pop star babes. It’s so transparent and soulless it’s kind of insulting.